Memoirs of Insanity

I decided that it was time for me to get back to writing, not so much a conscious decision but an urge, something I HAD to do for myself. Well, easier said than done…. I have been successfully ignoring and pushing disturbing things to the back of my head for a while now and when I sit down to write I need a certain focus and articulate thought, which I realize Im not capable of anymore – atleast not as easily!
What with me not even comfortably slipping into my dirty blue faded jeans anymore, forget about ‘slipping’ into the writing mode! Yes, its not just my brains that have rusted and my senses that I’ve numbed; but also my bones.
The urge to write comes from wanting to lubricate my whole being….. to come back to life so to say…

Ive lived for the past coupla years in an insane trip…not being myself…. not addressing a turmoil on the inside- ‘just prorogue and see how things shape up’- that mode…
I tell you, that’s definitely ‘unsmart’, not the way to handle things- atleast not all the time, although I agree that some things just need to be impulsive and not be given too much thought.

‘Comfortably numb’ is one thing, but one cannot forever be ‘comfortable’ being ‘numb’. Takes me to a conversation I was having with a friend sometime back….about how we get ourselves into things with this thought lurking in the background – ‘Let me do this now and I’l figure a way out soon’… and I know now that it sucks to be that way….super-simplify things and do NOT get caught up in things that u need to get out of at some later point…. coz THIS is exactly what complicates life!

I had a horrible phase of insomnia, thinking of things that were picayune and let me tell u, they didn’t seem as piffling matters to me then as they do to me now. Friends were telling me that I was being stupid, but what do u do with a mind that says…’you r better…they will only realize later!?!’ (call me a narcissist for all I care!)

And they had the last laugh…. I agree with it now…but bcoz of different reasons. I got over this phase by being aware of myself and the elements around, or lets just say I formulated my way of dealing with it. If I had just listened to people, I wud stil be doing the same… nudging things till they settled comfortably in a corner far enuf not to bother me and it would have come back to me later. Instead, address it and solve it, not take refuge in ignorance. Being aware of something and letting it go always works better than just letting go becoz u are simply nescient. This works in varied spheres n orbits….. be it matters of love or career decisions or plain contemplation of life!

I bid my low phase a happy good bye…. And owing to the means thru which it happened, im sure I will have no diffidence when im faced with it again! Dunno if the line of thought is clear enuf….. but refer to the disclaimer at the start – aint easy getting back….!

Of emptiness and longing..... 'us' and 'them'...

I have wondered for a while now if it happens to everyone or just to some. Probably becoz I fall in the category of 'some', I side these 'some' people! Here, Im talking of a craving for companionship. Of course im sure everyone longs for it, but Im talking of a companion on a different level.
Its probably the quarter life crisis thats making me write about it, but leaving the reason apart, I ponder on why a few of us feel this is such a serious thing and at the same time I am appalled at how it doesn’t bother certain others at all. I classify the two species as the ‘thinking’ and the ‘non-thinking’ types. I run here, the risk of being misunderstood, that I extol other creatures such as me- but that’s us!

I have had conversations about it at length with people I think are the ‘thinking’ types…we all share this anxiety – ranges from- ‘what if I don’t find the right person?’, ‘what if I end up with someone I don’t get along with?’.. to ‘will I ever find someone?’… these may sound trite alrite… commonplace prose in today’s Friday-evening-drinking-sessions… but therez more to it.

I know of people who simply talk about it coz they worry about it on another dimension altogether- without going into the ‘how-much-does-he earn?’ .... ‘does-he-have-a-car?’ thingy, let me straight dive into what im trying to talk about here. When the thinking types talk about it – they mean it more on an emotional level, on an intellectual level, a philosophical level. To be compatible over these varied platforms is something that makes for a great innings- be it friends, partners whatever! This happens to be such a rare phenomenon that I am happy if someone is open to even having a talk about such things… even if they just understand me, without shooting me a side-glance or pulling a long face – if they just ‘get’ me!

I don’t understand if there have always been people like this (im sure they have, but maybe much lesser) or are we an emerging breed, for I don’t ever hear anyone from my parent's generation talk about ‘soul-mates’ or ‘compatibility’. They all got married coz they were either asked to or bcoz it was the right time or simply bcoz the prospective groom/bride was considered appropriate! I mean..helllo?!? what were they thinking?? I find it soo hard to understand this and likewise for them- they simply don’t get what the whole fuss with the ‘right’ person is! What is unfathomable for me is that people who think like the ones from the generation before, still exist in our's and in HUGE numbers. Most people still get married bcoz they are done with studies and are ‘well-settled’ with high-paying jobs… is that enuf, really?? And these are exactly the ones that scare me the most – they wouldn’t want to have a mature conversation, and without this primary bonding what kind of a partnership could u expect?!

I deliriously think about not getting to have what I crave for so much… someone who is exactly the same as I am is not what I mean here, atleast someone who can relate to what I am talking about, who has the same bent of mind; and not someone who will think I am mentally deranged just becoz I am a certain way. As an afterthought, maybe even this is better than the totally hapless, clueless, dumb morons who just sit and don’t say anything back!
I don’t expect ‘whoever’ to be super thrilled with me being a maniac, or share the same sense of adventure (even an interest in the things I like or a willingness to try is all I ask)- but imagine how awesome it would be if we DID actually have the same basic personality type, enjoy doing similar things- imagine how fulfilling it would be to sit under the stars and enjoy lovely verses of poetry, talk of philosophy or world history or watch a grand prix on a Sunday afternoon and talk about the cars and what strategy would have been better!- and BOTH of us love it! Now, THAT is what is ideal…. And the only chance of attaining that is by knowing the person who one is going to be with….or being with the person coz u know them well enuf! In the ideal situation, I get to be exactly what I am- MY BEING…and id love it too; the same for the other half! That’s what is the best about this whole thing that im saying …it would make life easy, happy, satisfying and harmonious.

On the contrary, imagine having to live with someone who doesn’t ‘get’ you at all – I am sure I would try desperately to make things work, but my only problem with this is, ‘would I still be myself???’ NO. And once the answer is ‘no’, therez no way I am going to be happy with this and this translates into me not being able to make anyone happy. Worse, it would lead to frustration as one feels that they are giving up so much to make things better and yet it isn’t being achieved.
I am not saying here that the people who do not think this way are not doing the right thing- it works for them and they are not complaining! In fact I envy these people coz they simply save themselves the trouble of all this anxiety and stress (which we have even before we get ourselves into anything) and they are also at ease with whatever comes their way when they get themselves into it(while here, we are in the abysmal depths of desperation). The non-thinking types have the luxury of being genuinely happy, without a care… atleast at such things as what we are talking about here- the most they worry about would be getting a promotion or getting their kids admitted to the best schools!

Inspite of all the cribbing, I like the way we are…. Im thankful there are others like me…. And also that there are people other than like ourselves (only i wudnt want to end up there! excuse me)– if there weren’t, what wud ‘we’ talk about?! Id rather drive myself insane thinking about all this than just be a vegetable and rot. The only problem being ‘our’ way is that we are on a constant search for the ‘like’ breed, which is soo hard to come by…and we run the risk of turning into ‘them’ sometime down the line… and then it would be terrible coz ‘we’ know both ‘us’ and ‘them’; where as ‘they’ know only themselves and do not understand ‘us’ ……sigh..TO EACH HIS OWN…..